- 1 2017
- 1.1 March
- 1.2 April
- 1.3 May
- 1.4 June
- 1.5 July
So it's Pi day. It didn't get off to a good start, because my wife's alarm went off (even though she's off work; it did that yesterday, too), and woke me up. I can never get back to sleep after that happens. Apparently I hit her in the eye with it or something when I was trying to get her to turn it off.
I feel like a manifestation of society's weakness, in the sense that I'm not the leader I'd like to be.
Problem is, any time you have a campaign manager or other support, they can end up pressuring you to be a coward, like they did with Trump. I mean, look at the Pence decision (although I guess that's not turning out too badly.)
Any time you see me writing in my log, or pacing, you know there's a problem. Writing in my log means I've run out of people to talk to (or overwhelmed the people who are available), and have to talk to myself. Pacing means I have nothing to do, so I've resorted to escape into fantasy.
I guess I'll continue doing my squats, even though I do no other exercises at this point.
At this point, I feel like society is in a decline. If you don't see me run for office in 2019, then you know that I've gotten more pessimistic and have given up. But there's no problem with that. Gen Z is going to be all about being the change they want to see in the world. Meanwhile, I will neither be it nor advocate it.
Elections are like prison. You have a date coming up that seems to take forever to reach. Meanwhile, you don't have much to do while you're waiting for it.
Having kids cuts both ways. On the one hand, you have a reason to want to make this world better. On the other hand, you feel the need to focus on nurturing your kids, and you have less independence. Your expenses are higher, and you have to keep your marriage together for their sake.
This is nothing new. This has been going on for awhile. This is one of the reasons why you don't see a lot of third party and independent candidates, and when you do, their views tend to be tepid and insipid.
So the thought occurred to me, what am I going to do? Apply for jobs, I guess. Go back to the corporate hell.
And then what? Pay down my debt, contribute to my family, fund a trip to the Philippines, and prepare for the day when I'm the one making the mortgage payments on this house and paying for its upkeep, I guess. Pay for my work expenses, such as the cost of commuting to work.
In other words, just be a cog in the wheel. I'm thinking, when October or November roll around, I'll probably get shitcanned from whatever job I take, due to the publicity. Unfortunately, I'm probably blackballed from working at any temp agencies at this point. The loss of Robert Half was a heavy blow.
So I gotta figure out, how long am I gonna spin my wheels before I actually switch careers? RoK recommends it, but I don't really fit in with that crowd, so what do I do?
By the way, Heath Hitler is not illiterate, as people have said.
So Miscellany:Script for video response to Freedom Gulch Podcast 20 has now been reduced down to 13 paragraphs: 1 + 4 + 2 + 2 + 4 = 13.
- Done Introduction: 1 paragraph
- In progress: Pedophilia and relations between the sexes: 4
- Not done: Felony disenfranchisement: 2
- Done: Child pornography: 2
41 Not done: Conclusion:
Wow, the "not done" is so garish and loud. Anyway, I may trim the bulk of the last four paragraphs, truncating it to just the first paragraph.
So I feel like I'm at a point where I can just give up. I have a wife who's probably infertile, so I guess I won't be having a happiness spigot around the house. My career seems to be shot for the near future, due to a series of missteps, plus low morale. It doesn't look like I'm going to finish my video before the 26th. And I'm bored with Conflict. So what's left?
So I see that All That's Fab describes me as "the cap-wearing and scruffy chinned Larson". Well, I guess that's an accurate description. I wonder how many days of beard growth that was.
I guess that's enough vanity searches for one day. There should be an Inside Nova article at some point.
I was writing to someone, "So, Will Hammer was the guy in those Freedom Gulch podcasts who was calling me "scum" and whatnot. I took a look at his campaign page. He's running on three issues, which is pretty typical, but he never got around to mentioning any other issues. http://www.wmhammer.com/issues/ He says that he will not accept any donations from special interests or corporations. Well, I don't accept any donations from them either, but it's not because I'm unwilling to. That's like if a butt-ugly, morbidly obese girl says, 'I don't accept any cock from the captain of the football team.'"
I was writing about Augustus Sol Invictus:
I don't see what's the big deal about a goat sacrifice. A chicken had to be sacrificed for the sake of that chicken adobo I ate yesterday, and my cat's testicles had to be sacrificed so that he wouldn't keep getting in cat fights. Lots of squirrels have to be sacrificed so that kids have something to shoot at with their BB guns.
That's a very interesting point Invictus makes, "American citizenship remains highly desirable, but immigrants today are left with no choice but to enter the country illegally – which often results in immigrants forming insular communities and failing to fully integrate."
That might explain too why the U.S. -born children of immigrants often do much better at integrating. They're U.S. citizens and therefore don't have to hide in the kitchen of some Mexican restaurant.
So I basically have five paragraphs I need to memorize. The last two paragraphs about relations between the sexes; the two paragraphs about felony disenfranchisement; and then the one-paragraph conclusion.
I need to call the health office Monday.
I feel like it's time to give up on myself. It seems like I keep getting fired.
So I guess what I can say about Piper is, yeah, she did come from two fucked-up parents. But, as a woman, she really doesn't need to be very competent. All a woman really needs to do in this life is look pretty enough to attract a man, do what he enjoys in bed, learn a few recipes that he likes, and remember to clean the house. How hard is that? And what else is there?
Of course, she still needs good male leadership, unless she's able to make good decisions on her own, which she probably isn't. Is Jim Misciagna up to the challenge? I guess we'll see. He has some old-timey evangelical Christian principles (assuming he actually knows and practices them), but of course, his church is probably highly feminized. Plus he'll lack the moral authority that a true father might have. Oh well!
The loss of Piper's birth certificate really irritates me. I can't believe I didn't upload it to Nathania.org. But you know, that kind of fuck-up is why I keep getting fired. It's like something Michael Silvera would do. How depressing.
I just really have to wonder, why would I not upload it to Nathania.org. What was my thought process? And I apparently didn't upload it to theshatteredpan either. Hmm.
Just the fact that I would misplace something like that, that I knew I wouldn't be able to get another copy of, is just further proof of what a fuck-up I am. And my complacency in thinking, "Oh, I have a copy on this hard drive, and since it's a desktop computer hard drive, it would never fail" is proof of my complacency. Yet this shit happens all the time. Why was it not uploaded to Nathania.org, I have to repeat? In case anyone didn't hear, let me reiterate, why didn't I upload it to Nathania.org?
It's really symbolic of everything in my life. I'll complete 90 percent of what I need to complete, and then fall short, just like Mikey Silvera used to fall short. It's like how I would be at an accounting job and then put a few invoices in an issues folder for later, and those would be my undoing.
The thing about birth certificates is, almost everyone will need to get another one at some point in their lives, because they won't remember where the old one was stashed. It's the same way with Social Security cards. It just happens that this birth certificate was irreplaceable.
I'm so bored.. I feel like committing some act of civil disobedience.. problem is, I have no one to participate in it with.
I mean, I could walk into the police station carrying a bag of weed (a small bag; no need to waste any large amount) and say, "I'm here to protest the unjust cannabis laws."
But when you do that, people just say, "Oh, this guy must be high" because they're too ignorant to recognize civil disobedience when they see it. If you have another person protesting with you, then maybe you start to get taken slightly more seriously, because then you actually have an organized event, rather than just one individual going off the deep end.
Thing about civil disobedience is, if you're going to do it, you need to be committed. What a lot of people do is jump into it, and then decide, "Oh, I don't like sitting in jail; I need to get bailed out of here." Then they go to court and decide, "I better take a plea to get probation rather than jail, since I'm tired of that shit." Then they gotta go see a probation officer once a month, and accept random visits from the P.O. at their house, and pee in a cup whenever the P.O. asks them to, and all that jazz.
If you're going to commit civil disobedience, you do need help from some other activists in getting your message out, and stuff like that. And that's hard to come by in Virginia.
The other thing is, pot protests are kinda played out by this point. So many people have done that, that it doesn't have a lot of novelty value anymore. I was recently writing:
Men will say, "Oh, I should go for this older woman because she'll be more mature, plus she'll be grateful that I gave her a new lease on life after her relationships with those other guys didn't work out. So, although she's not as pretty as younger women, I'm getting a benefit that makes it worth the tradeoff."
Then they get married and she starts saying stuff like, "You know, I should have just stayed with that other guy" and he realizes that he set himself up for a bunch of negative comparisons by getting with someone so experienced. The problem is, that first love imprinted on her and formed her expectations of what a man should be, so other men who are different seem to not measure up to that standard.
Or she'll say stuff like, "I've already dumped one man, so don't think that I'll be afraid to divorce you too if you don't clean up your act. I was way too patient, gentle, and kind with a man who didn't deserve the love that I had to offer, and I won't make that mistake twice. I became a more guarded, bitter, mistrustful, and angry person because of how he treated me, and you need to be sensitive and understanding about that if you want this relationship to work."
So I have a clinic appointment for the 29th at 1pm at 330 Hospital Drive. I was just writing to a friend of mine:
It seems like I'm more and more likely to lean in a Nazi direction. Fascism seems to be where all the action is these days. Besides, what incentive is there to be liberal when those who call themselves "libertarians" are so intolerant? Maybe there is something to be said for sending the leftists to the ovens, as a way of eliminating the threat they pose.
I'm going to try to arrange a meeting with Heath Campbell in a couple weeks, and see if I can forge some kind of alliance, because right now, I don't have any endorsements. I'll sign on to wage genocidal warfare against the Jews, blacks, etc. if it'll help me gain an ally against the feminists.
I wouldn't necessarily mind seeing Nazis kick in the door of LPVA secretary Jacqueline Mason and brutally rape her. If she divorced her husband (I forget what her exact story was), then maybe it's time to pay restitution for all the sex she was supposed to be giving the rightful owner of her body all these years. But maybe he's not around to accept restitution, which would mean that it's available on a first-come, first-served basis.
Okay, I arranged an interview with Heath for Thursday the 6th.
See? That's what I like about Nazis. They're men of action. They have some esprit de corps, and they don't have all this infighting. (For now, we just won't mention Claus von Stauffenberg.)
Or as I was telling someone else:
At this point, I'm pretty angry at the LPVA. As passionately as I was in support of them before they treated me this way, I'm going to be three times as passionately opposed to them in the aftermath of this expulsion.
Probably what I'm going to end up doing, is writing letters to the editor of the local papers of every Libertarian candidate in Virginia, calling them out for the ways in which they're not libertarian. It won't be hard; I can probably find something in the platform of every single one of them that goes against libertarian principles.I'll probably issue press releases encouraging people to vote against them, and vote for write-in candidates instead. I'll encourage people to not join the LP. They could have just ignored me, but instead they had to denounce me in the media, and I will now return the favor.
Unless, of course, I lose motivation to fight against them and say "fuck it."
I stand with Augustus Sol Invictus and others who oppose the LP's drift toward illiberal leftism. I suspect he may bolt the Party, if he hasn't already, or that he may get purged if he tries to stay in. That's too bad for the LP, that they rejected a good libertarian because they didn't like the optics of his goat blood rituals, which really weren't a big deal in the big scheme of things, when you consider that most of us have eaten Greek salad with feta cheese made from goat milk. Who's to say those animals were treated humanely?
The LP was just concerned about optics and messaging, rather than with substantive issues. They've tolerated some very illiberal/unlibertarian doctrine from other candidates, as long as they figured it wouldn't result in bad press. It's hard for me to respect that.
At this point, I'm probably going to join up with the fascists. I'm already making arrangements to meet up with Heath Campbell (soon to be Heath Hitler) in a couple weeks, to interview him and ask for his endorsement for my campaign. I'm proposing an alliance between boylovers, antifeminists, and white nationalists, which I think will work, because Hitler was antifeminist (see http://en.kingswiki.com/wiki/Adolf_Hitler%27s_speech_on_women ), and because the fascists had many pederasts in their ranks. http://nathania.org/wiki/Miscellany:Sick_Rose_essays#Thoughts_on_SCOTUS.2C_Nazis.2C_pederasty_and_faggotry
Fascism is becoming more and more in vogue these days. And one thing the fascists have on their side is that they're men of action who stand against cultural Marxism.
I can start to understand how the Holocaust happened. It's not always a matter of apathy or cowardice, e.g. "First they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew." Sometimes the problem is that the Jews (or socialists, or trade unionists, etc.) were being so obnoxious that people stopped pitying them when bad stuff happened to them. Or it was simply expedient to form a political coalition with the Nazis for reasons that had nothing to do with the Jews. For example, if I had lived in 1930s-era Germany, and the Nazis had been the only antifeminist party, maybe I would have voted for them. The feminists and communists are a destructive enough force that sometimes you have to ally with the enemy of your enemy, even if it means joining up with people whose ideology isn't perfect.
I'm at a point at which, whatever happens to the feminists or to others who I feel have badly mistreated me, I'm not necessarily going to feel sorry for them. If they wanted my sympathy and support, they shouldn't have screwed me over the way they did.
Now that I think about it, people have been denying that I'm a libertarian ever since the threat on the President: http://web.archive.org/web/20160816234305/http://peteeyre.com/nathan-larson/
- I don’t think he’s a libertarian or anarcho-capitalist at all. He is just a person obsessed with violence who is not open to changing his mind on that matter. Libertarianism happens to be the convenient mantle he picked to hang that hat on. He might as well be a Maoist.
It's just fuckin' annoying, considering how long I've been in the libertarian movement, and how far back my history goes of being involved in the cannabis reform movement, petitioning for Libertarian candidates, handing out Libertarian literature at the polls, recruiting a few LP members here and there, etc. (although admittedly, a lot of them didn't remain in the Party, my mom being the main exception)
But you know, if after all that, they're going to say, "You aren't a libertarian, you never were a libertarian, and you don't have a single libertarian stance in your agenda" then why bother staying in the movement. They won't even acknowledge that I've done any good.
They act like I'm one of these Republicans who spends his whole career working against the libertarian agenda, before becoming a LINO. The difference is, the LP will actually treat the LINOs better because they have name recognition and money and won't make them "look bad" to the voters. Everything with the LP these days is about making a good impression, rather than being principled or open-minded.
I just find it irritating. It feels like my work was mostly a waste of time. But you know, ever since the Portland Massacre in 2006, we probably should've been on notice that the Party was headed downhill and it was time to jump ship. I guess I can understand the reluctance to give up on the whole project, after having invested so much in it, but it seems to have gone from bad to worse.
Actually, what I wanted to try, was to do it her way sometimes, and my way at other times, rather than compromise and do a hybrid of both. That way we could each sometimes get 100% of what we wanted. But she didn't really seem down with it.
I guess I just couldn't compete with Glenn and the way he used to ram it to her doggy style. She thought my doggy style game was weak, and didn't want to help me improve.
I feel like the LPVA SCC deserves to be destroyed in some way. Hmm, on the 26th, they're going to be all gathered in one place. How convenient. If I were just slightly crazier than I am, I might take the opportunity to execute those traitors. After all, I could arrange to have the element of surprise on my side, and do away with them 20 July plot-style. I was writing to someone:
I was thinking of showing up to the LPVA SCC meeting and just refusing to leave, and letting the cops drag me out and arrest me.
I'm angry enough that I almost feel like doing something like that. Problem is, what does it lead to?
I've done this sort of thing so many times by myself, and the result seems to usually be that they say, "This guy is a lunatic." On the other hand, Rosa Parks was able to engage in civil disobedience by herself, and not be regarded as a lunatic, but she had a group of supporters who were able to help spin the story to the media and get it recorded in the history books a certain way.
I should probably just kill myself, and then let people say one last time, "Yeah, that guy was a lunatic." At that point I won't give a shit, because I'll be dead.
You know another guy who used to do stuff like that (i.e. refuse to obey the cops)? Julian Heicklen. They put him in some geriatric mental health ward because he didn't cooperate when the cops were trying to force him to stop distributing jury nullification materials in front of the courthouse. They figured, "This must be some senile old man who doesn't understand what's going on. Why else wouldn't he be responding to our commands?"
It's annoying that people don't recognize activism when they see it.
So I'm told, "Your first date to report for jury duty is going to be March 28th, 8:45am at the Fauquier County Circuit Court. You can call the clerk’s office (422-8111) after 6pm the night before to confirm that the case is still on. If you have any further questions please feel free to contact me."
These remind me of August: http://mimiandeunice.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/ME_512_Over-Dramatize.png http://mimiandeunice.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/ME_518_Undermine.png http://mimiandeunice.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/ME_473_LetThemGo.png
This one is kinda like me: http://mimiandeunice.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/ME_413_Lonely-640x199.png http://mimiandeunice.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/ME_383_KeepMoving.png http://mimiandeunice.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/ME_371_BeautifulInHere.png
So I was thinking, why does Jacqueline Mason always have to put "Passey" in the middle of her name? Are there some other Jacqueline Masons she needs to be distinguished from, or does she simply think she's distinctive and important enough to be a triple-namer? Excuse me, the privilege of being addressed in that way, I reserve only for honorable men like John Patrick Bedell.
Boring day. Had that debacle with American Beauty:
I'm never asking my wife to watch a movie with me again. You know, usually the point of having your wife watch a movie that you enjoy is so that you can laugh it together, have inside jokes about it later, etc. But, my wife spends about two-thirds of any movie looking at her cell phone, so it's kinda pointless.
She's really self-conscious about her intelligence, and thinks she's not as smart as me, but that's really the only time that I think that she's not that smart -- when we're watching, say, the plastic bag scene in American Beauty, and she'd rather look at her cell phone than think of the metaphor he's making, that the bag is like a little kid that wants to play with him.
I guess that scene has been mocked in Not Another Teen Movie as being made out to be more profound than it really is, but I just thought it was interesting how one could find beauty in something that most people would never think to look closely at.
Facebookers.. they're so fuckin' annoying..
I would also not need to feel so guilty about it.. because I could just walk away with a clear conscience and say, "You have your Facebook friends for companionship; you don't need me."
Got expelled from the LPVA, by unanimous vote. The way they did this was procedurally botched, in that they gave me very short notice of the change in venue. I was busy shaving my head when the email came in, and since I had a lot of hair to shave off, I didn't get to a computer to read the email with instructions for logging in to the videoconference until after they had already expelled me. When I did attempt to log in, my request to join the meeting was denied.
It reminds me very much of the 10-4964 opinion. At the sentencing hearing, I was denied my right to allocute, and on appeal, the appellate court said, "Given the clear intent of the district court to sentence Larson to the statutory maximum, we will not notice the error."
The bottom line is that they'd already heard as much as they wanted to hear of what I had to say, so they purposefully didn't go out of their way to make it easy for me to have an opportunity to be heard one last time.
I could probably sue them for procedurally botching this, but I have no supporters who would take an interest in my case, so it seems like I'll have to just let it go, the same way I let it go when my free speech rights were arguably violated in In the interest of Piper Morgan Sparrow Faye (see In the interest of Piper Morgan Sparrow Faye 19 May 2016 court proceedings). It will be another example of how my history as a litigant hasn't been that great/effective/distinguished. Interesting analysis by Justin Schwartz, though. The constitution and bylaws perhaps do constitute some kind of contract, since they're what authorize and define membership to begin with.
Also, I had tried to resign, but I guess they didn't accept my resignation, and expelled me instead. I'm not aware that the bylaws have any provisions about resignations, and as a life member, there was no way that my membership would've simply expired without my dying, plus they probably wanted to slam the door behind me.
Another CareerExcuse renewal is coming up. I gotta decide if I want to keep kicking the can at a cost of $50/month; drop out of the job hunt; or actually take some decisive action to get a job. Like I say, state assistance is part of the social fabric at this point.
I guess people are saying now that I threatened to rape Jacqueline Mason. False! All I said was (and you can read it for yourself), "I wouldn't necessarily mind seeing Nazis kick in the door of LPVA secretary Jacqueline Mason and brutally rape her. If she divorced her husband (I forget what her exact story was), then maybe it's time to pay restitution for all the sex she was supposed to be giving the rightful owner of her body all these years. But maybe he's not around to accept restitution, which would mean that it's available on a first-come, first-served basis."
That is not a rape threat. Anyway, not that she's necessarily all that attractive or anything, but all this talk of raping her makes me curious about what it's like to be inside of her pussy.. maybe it's just the fact that it's forbidden that gives it a certain allure.. anyway.
The guy Jacqueline is married to now seems like a real dork, by the way.
I see that AfD got 6.2% of the vote in the Saarland. I'm thinking that Trump just won, not because the transnational alt-right revolution is actually on a wave of success, but because Hillary was such a weak candidate.
I'm pondering whether I actually want to try to go back to the work world, or just commit suicide. Hmm.
Got a call from Tom (accountant). I suppose he doesn't remember me from last time. Apparently, he doesn't have google, either.
I was going to say, it seems weird that the Libertarians would think that I was going to bomb the place, because don't they know that would be a NAP violation? But I guess the NAP can be interpreted in a lot of different ways, as my "anarcho-capitalist revolution" website demonstrated.
As you can see from Essay:Time to go on a fast and larsonfordelegate:Larson announces fast unto death in protest against laws that infringe free speech by criminalizing possession and distribution of child pornography, shit is about to get real. I used to think that I needed supporters, but maybe you, dear log, are enough.
Just the fact that I'm writing in this log is a good sign. It means I've moved beyond needing supporters so much.
Dying for free speech is a noble cause. But is it nobler than
freedom of sexualitymale sexual entitlement? I wonder.
I was going to get another cup of coffee, but we're out of K-cups. Maybe it's just as well that I wean myself off gradually, rather than getting an intense caffeine withdrawal headache tomorrow.
I feel like I'm about to embark on a journey from Independence, Missouri. I have until midnight to eat and drink whatever I want, and then the fast starts. It's 4:23pm now.
I have to go back to court for jury duty on the 19th. As I was telling a friend, "Jury duty today sucked. We didn't even get to watch the jury selection or hear what the case was about. All 30 of us sat in a cramped jury room, and then they called out 15 of us into the courtroom, and did jury selection, and dismissed the rest (including me). Waste of two hours. Plus I have to show back up on some day, I forget which, I think it was the 12th or 19th or 20th or something, to be part of another venire."
On the 1st, I need to cancel CareerExcuse.
I'm more isolated now than ever before. I guess it's because at this point, I have something in my philosophy and life to repel everyone. Not only that, people can't even get past the substantive issues to relate to me on a meta level. Hmm.. but I can relate to others that way. Must be my knack for making connections among ideas.
As always, August turned out to be ruinous to me. Had I not met her, I probably wouldn't have gone down the red pill path. Or would Meshelle have led me down that same path? I wonder.
Day 1 of the fast. I weigh (178-)181 pounds.
As I was noting, in practice, it is exceedingly common that fasts unto death are aborted in the first
trimesterweek. Probably 50% of fasts unto death are aborted in the first couple days, with that percentage rising to 90% by the end of the first seven days. By the two-week mark, it's getting pretty close to 99%.
I was just thinking of all the ways in which my life went wrong, and why. I could have fallen into the "social safety net" of going on disability, and lived like Heath Hitler, impregnating women and having welfare kids. Problem with that is, I happened to pick a wife who's old and infertile.
There's a certain amount of coasting on the past accomplishments of life, and unfortunately, I didn't set myself up right to do that.
There's quite a lot of fasting unto death going on in India these days. https://twitter.com/search?q=fasting_unto_death I guess after Gandhi, it never really stopped. India's politics are so fucked up that there always has to be someone fasting unto death over something.
2:22pm. They drew some blood. I asked how much, and she said, "A good 2-3 tablespoons." I always wonder how, during a fast, the body replaces stuff like that. It must have pretty limited reserves of iron, etc.
Where's my cheering section, anyway? Nonexistent, I guess. Why can't we get that Indian spirit in this country?
9:22pm. I've got a pretty bad caffeine headache right now. This is probably as bad as it will get; it should be totally gone by this time tomorrow.
It reminds me of when I used to quit smoking. It would usually take a day or two for the withdrawal symptoms to go away, and the day right after I quit would be when I would experience peak withdrawal.
I'm not actually sure how accurate the scale is. Earlier, I weighed in at 178 pounds. This is a mechanical scale, so it should be more accurate than an electronic scale, but maybe I'm not using it properly.
I did have to take an aspirin, in an attempt to kill this headache. I think I can feel the placebo effect kicking in a bit. Let's see, it's 11:17pm right now, and my stomach seems slightly upset, but maybe I'm just hungry. I should actually just have a fucking coffee.
So I was thinking, one thing I might write about in my 10-day press release, is Thoreau's quote:
When I came out of prison,—for some one interfered, and paid the tax,—I did not perceive that great changes had taken place on the common, such as he observed who went in a youth, and emerged a tottering and gray-headed man; and yet a change had to my eyes come over the scene,—the town, and State, and country,—greater than any that mere time could effect. I saw yet more distinctly the State in which I lived. I saw to what extent the people among whom I lived could be trusted as good neighbors and friends; that their friendship was for summer weather only; that they did not greatly purpose to do right; that they were a distinct race from me by their prejudices and superstitions, as the Chinamen and Malays are; that, in their sacrifices to humanity, they ran no risks, not even to their property; that, after all, they were not so noble but they treated the thief as he had treated them, and hoped, by a certain outward observance and a few prayers, and by walking in a particular straight though useless path from time to time, to save their souls.
What I'm getting at with that quote is, most people won't do the kind of stuff that I do. They won't threaten the President, come out of the closet about their pedophilic desires/attractions/curiosities, etc.
I don't know why I didn't just think to drink some fuckin' tea. Although now I just burned my tongue on it a little. When you're fasting, you have to be very careful about what you ingest, because any stomach discomfort you cause yourself (e.g. by eating something sugary) may tempt you to completely break your fast. Of course, by eating something sugary, you're already breaking your fast, but I mean, it'll prompt you to want to eat a full meal.
Anyway, mental note for next time. During a fast, address caffeine withdrawal headaches by drinking tea. Or maybe not, since that perhaps causes an upset stomach too.
Scoped out CWCki.
Day 2 of the fast. I weigh 177 pounds. It is the morning, though.
Stomach still feels a little uneasy. When I woke up, I was feeling great, though.
I was thinking, the only honorable way to get out of a marriage is to die. It's better for a woman to be a widow than a divorcée. Although I'm not sure if that applies to suicide.
I was just thinking, it makes me happy to think that when I'm dead, I want have to look at the back of a cell phone anymore when I look over at my wife. Facebook will finally be gone from my life altogether.
My wife is cooking breakfast and demanding I eat. So here we have the first wave of resistance to the fast.
It's a sandwich with bacon, egg, tomato, lettuce, onion, and possibly brown deli mustard on whole wheat bread. Normally, it's exactly what I would want, along with a glass of Ocean Spray cranberry juice, but it's not going to happen today. As the blacks say, "NOT TODAY!"
This shit happens every fuckin' time I want to fast. It's not like I'm wavering or anything, though. And waste of food just comes with the territory. How many trays of food have I sent back from my SHU cell when I was on hunger strike, that ended up getting thrown down the garbage disposal?
Thus far, all of the resistance is external rather than internal.
Now she's asking whether I'm going to eat that food, or whether she should just throw it away. I told her to save it for my mom, and she said that she didn't make it for my mom. Now she's threatening to leave if I don't stop lying around depressed. I told her that I'm not depressed. She said that I am severely depressed, because I'm feeling hopeless.
Well, it's true I have a lot of despair, but I wouldn't call it depression. Did I not say that I would be approached from every possible angle with pitches to break the fast? This is definitely not my first rodeo.
This is basically the correctional officer phase. That's a very mild phase. Next, it gets stepped up to the lieutenant. Then, after that, the captain or the associate warden.
The lieutenant would be my mom, I guess. So then, who's the captain? The cop, or the magistrate? Except that in these situations, I usually never see the magistrate. And then who's the associate warden? The psychiatrist? And then who's the warden? The special justice? And then who's the regional director? The circuit judge?
She was saying that she prepared that food with her love and her — energy, I think she said it was? Well, her love and her energy are probably not going to be enough to save this relationship, because a couple days ago, I was eating, and she still wasn't happy. But she's not really in a position where she can play the "I'm leaving you" card with much effect, anyway. That's like playing this card.
I don't want this to turn into a thing of, she's hard on me about saying "On your feet, soldier" and demanding I get a job, and then I act depressed and she relents, and then it's back to the same cycle. I just want to put an end to it.
I'm still in the beginning stages of fasting.
I feel emotionless and determined. I don't feel angry. I feel ready to go.
Day 3. Weight 175-176 pounds.
I woke up feeling peaceful and resigned. I continue to get emails and voice mails with job offers. But I always think, what a trek it would be to go into DC or wherever to interview for that stuff, and try to sell myself. It was much easier when I was telling the truth.
And that's really what it all boils down to. I'm tired of the lies. I want to just be myself.
I know this point has been made before, but the cool thing about killing yourself is that all your problems are solved.
The intensity of the opposition will likely increase as I go from being slightly overweight, to being a normal weight, and then being underweight. With regard to the opposition, shit will really get real once I get a point where my health is visibly suffering. I'm not there yet.
So I guess I'm done with tea at this point. I had one last cup today because I had a headache (and also just out of boredom, and because it's cold in here), but it seems to upset my stomach a bit. Also, it's against the water-only spirit of the fast, even though I don't use any sugar or honey or anything like that.
It was Lipton, by the way, for those who are wondering. Just regular Lipton; nothing special.
My tongue is still burnt from yesterday.
I won't say that I have any internal opposition yet, per se, but I do have some curiosity about alternatives. So, let me put those at Miscellany:Alternatives to suicide.
More pushback today. My wife bought me some 7-Eleven chicken, and had them make it extra crispy the way I like it, and brought two containers of buffalo sauce, and invited me to eat with her. She's now saying that it made her mad yesterday when I wouldn't eat, but she didn't say anything, and she's going to leave me if I don't start eating, because she doesn't want to be with a crazy person.
I told her, I'm not telling her to leave; if she leaves, she's responsible for that decision. (I'm not necessarily going to blame her for leaving, though, or even care, if I end up continuing down this suicidal path.)
I know how the dynamics of this play out. Some women women wait a long time before they leave, but when they're done, they're done. Other women will keep that guy around as a backup, in case his situation improves and/or she can't find anyone better. I think she might be the second kind.
I told her that what I'm going through could be cyclical, now that it's started. I actually don't think I've dealt with this since 2014. Meshelle has been a stabilizing presence in my life, giving me hope. Not so much anymore.
By "cyclical" I mean that I could regain my will to live and then lose it again after a setback, when hope seems lost or when morale is gone.
When you become suicidal, you can rest easy knowing that all your problems are solved. You actually feel happier. With a fast, once you regain hope (usually with someone there telling you whatever words of encouragement and optimism are going to convince you to resume eating), you start eating, and the future seems bright. At that moment, you're thinking you can overcome your problems. Then reality hits when you actually run up against adversity that you weren't expecting or don't know how to handle.
Or you may run into a situation that simply crosses the line of what you're willing to tolerate. So then you either have to lower your standards (at least temporarily), or kill yourself, if you can't change the situation as quickly as you'd like. So I was just reading the SuicideWiki article, "Being a little bitch":
Being a little bitch is one reason for living. A person might say, "I won't let people treat this way anymore. I'll kill myself instead!" But in the end, he doesn't do it, because he's such a little bitch that he will let people mistreat him almost to no end, and still come crawling back to this society. Activists may even say, "I am fed up my fellow activists; they offer me no support." Soon enough, he will return to that community because he has nowhere else to go to talk about his ideas with people who care. Maybe there are barely any limits to how much disrespect he will endure, and still not be be deterred from coming back. One is reminded of the Wikitruth statement, "The project has literally lost hundreds of good, solid, intelligent people, leaving a core of folks either completely masochistic in nature, or in possession of little tiny reptile brains." Arguably everyone wasn't a masochistic little bitch has already died by suicide, leaving only us.
It's true that people who talk about suicide are more likely to do it, but it's also true that it's much more common for people to talk about suicide than to actually do it. Therefore, people often do not take expressed suicidal ideation very seriously. They call the bluff, and the allegedly suicidal person more often than not proves that the person was correct when he said that he wouldn't kill himself. The tendency to be a little bitch with hardly any self-respect, or only hypocritical self-respect, has become ingrained into people through millions of years of existence in dominance hierarchies.
This was the image that went along with it. Well, you can't really be anyone's little bitch if you're given nothing that's adequate to sustain you in the way that you need. So there's this famous anecdote:
On the bridge, Baldwin counted to ten and stayed frozen. He counted to ten again, then vaulted over. “I still see my hands coming off the railing,” he said. As he crossed the chord in flight, Baldwin recalls, “I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable—except for having just jumped.”
Well, it's fuckin' hard to jump, I think. And it's hard to take pentobarbital. Even if people were telling me, "Go ahead and take it," it might be hard to take, because even if they're with me, I still go to death alone. And I think the thing about fasts is, you reach a point at which you know that you need to reverse course if you're going to save yourself. You reach a point at which death is staring you in the face. And in all of the cases in which I was doing terminal dehydration and the effects (e.g. rapid heartbeat) were starting to kick in, I have flinched from it, or changed my mind, or whatever. Because that shit is scary. When you feel your heart struggling frantically and desperately to pump a reduced volume of blood through your body, in order to keep you alive, that's frightening.
So it remains to be seen whether I actually have the balls to kill myself. I have actually never made it far in a water fast, so I haven't had the opportunity to experience what it's like when you reach the final stage, and your body is going to start eating itself in earnest. Maybe I will panic when I reach that point. I'm not sure.
And here we have the first internal resistance, because I think to myself, if someone were to offer a solution, maybe I would say, "Okay, let me try it" because I feel like my morale is coming back. So let me review the rules.
I ended up just breaking the rules. Of course; why would I not? Morale returned. Morale never goes away immediately, and sometimes there's an actual change of philosophy accompanying it. In this case, I was always a little uneasy about my position, and knew that it didn't necessarily quite fit completely squarely with Rothbard's advice about halfway measures, "that, whatever the transitional demands, the ultimate end of liberty be always held aloft as the desired goal".
In my press release, I state that I'm not qualified to judge on some matters, because I lack the required education. This is somewhat true. For example, I don't actually understand this stuff at wikipedia:Rind_et_al._controversy#Statistical_errors:
Dallam et al. also contend that Rind et al. miscoded or misreported significant amounts of the underlying study data, thereby skewing the results. Dallam et al. contend that Rind et al. incorrectly used "Pearson's r" instead of "Cohen's d" to calculate the effect size, which resulted in a failure to correct for base-rate differences of CSA in male and female samples, and which led to the finding that males were less harmed by CSA. After correcting for base-rate attenuation, Dallam et al. said they arrived at identical effect sizes for male and female samples.
In response to this criticism, Rind et al. contend that they did indeed describe the contrast between the effect size estimates as "nonsignificant, z = 1.42, p > .10, two-tailed". However, they argue, "What [they] did report as significantly different was the contrast between male and female effect size estimates for the all-types-of-consent groups, where rus = .04 and .11, respectively. In "follow[ing] Dallam et al. (2001) [by] apply[ing] Becker's correction formula to these values, they become rcs = .06 and .12 for men and women, respectively. The contrast is still statistically significant (z = 2.68, p < .01. two-tailed), contrary to Dallam et al.'s (2001) claim".
Rind et al. said that their own "handling of Pearson's r in the face of base-rate differences was methodologically proper and produced no important bias, if any at all." Furthermore, they contend that Dallam's criticisms "exhibited bias ... [by] selectively ignoring key clarifying quotes ... and citing them elsewhere in their critique to argue different points, and [by] ignoring or overlooking a key caveat by Becker (1986) regarding appropriate use of his correction formula".
Critics also argued that Rind et al.'s statistical approach for controlling for family environment as a cause of maladjustment was conceptually and methodologically invalid. Spiegel stated that inferring the source of maladjustment from analyzing the shared variance between CSA and family environment does not answer the question of which variable explains maladjustment better; the authors answered that this statement shows a misunderstanding of the statistical procedure used their meta-analysis. Dallam, however, addressed the topic of several prior studies having found statistically significant relations between CSA and maladjustment even after controlling for family environment.
I want some tart and pure cranberry juice, rather than this stuff that has grape juice, apple juice, and pear juice mixed in. I need to get a fuckin' job, stat, so I can afford some decent stuff. I also wish I had a fuckin' sandwich, but those usually only appear when I go on a fast or something. Maybe I should start making my own sandwiches, now that my wife is working. If I'm going to be a feminist, or at least neutral to feminism (which is pretty much the same thing as being feminist, because you end up just going with the flow), then I suppose I have to make my own sandwiches.
I wonder what else that entails? Hmm. One thing I know for sure, is that feminist or not, women will tend to want to give up control in the bedroom. Well, maybe not so much; they do like to retain the ability to veto sex happening, or particular stuff being done during sex. So that's not really a relinquishing of control, necessarily.
I feel tired, but I want to stay up a little while longer and do some tasks I've been putting off. Maybe transcribe a little video.
You know, if I write about it in my own log, that means that the conversion is genuine, even though I know that I'm going to possibly be making this log public at some point. (However, we don't know when that point will be; it could be quite a long time from now, maybe after the campaign is over. It could even be years from now. It could theoretically be never.)
Why would I talk so much about whether the conversion is genuine, if I know it is? Because I know that it was partly obtained under duress, but who really cares. So much of what we do is under some kind of duress, or motivated by something other than pure principle and being true to ourselves. If the people want feminism, as a politician, hey, why not offer it. The people don't really need (or necessarily want) an antifeminist choice. But the antifeminists, if they knew I had an antifeminist past, would probably vote for me anyway, just like the pederasts would probably vote for Milo.
So maybe in coming days, I'll google "nathan larson renounces" -site:independentpoliticalreport.com
So at the stroke of midnight, 8 April 2017, the press release comes down. Fair enough.
I have to say, I really agree with Roosh's statements:
When a t-shirt comes out of the factory (puberty), it’s crisp and bright. People compliment you on your new shirt (18-24 years old).
After you wear the t-shirt a couple of times, the fabric loses elasticity. You no longer get excited when wearing it because people have already seen you in it. Your eye starts to wander on new t-shirts (25-29 years old).
When a loaf comes out of the oven (puberty), it’s warm and delicious. You can’t help but stuff yourself. (18-24 years old)
When you leave the loaf out, it gets a little hard. You have to heat it up with a toaster first, but it still won’t taste fresh. (25-29 years old)
If you leave the bread out for too long, mold develops. You can cut away the mold, toast the bread, and still be able to eat it, but you won’t enjoy it. You’d have to be starving. (30-34 years old)
What comparisons can I make? Well, I don't get complimented. Elasticity has been lost. Excitement isn't occurring. My eye is starting to wander. I am able to keep from stuffing myself. Freshness isn't there. Enjoyment isn't there.
I thought of that because in the fridge there are some strawberries that are a few days old and have gotten mushy, almost at the point of being too spoiled to eat. Yet the bad taste hasn't totally taken over; it just is present enough to destroy the enjoyment of eating the strawberries. One would only eat them now to get rid of them.
And that's how it is. That's really how it is. The youthful hotness and tightness has started to be counterbalanced by the effects of aging, to the point that there's this in-between state of tolerability and nothing more or less.
Just thinking to myself, if I had it all to do over again, what would I do differently? Maybe major in statistics? I feel like I should start studying statistics on my own, in my spare time. I want to take a remedial course. Maybe take a few credits at GMU. Or, more likely, just buy an outdated textbook or browse Wikipedia and/or Wikiversity.
It really is time for me to crash.
I'm just thinking. If I had it to do over, what would I do differently? If I were going to get into accounting, then for sure I would go for a Big Four firm starting off. Or work at SNM and become controller. And get an 18-year-old foreign bride. Can I truly say, it's not too late? What kind of life can I still have?
Will threatening the President truly turn into a life-changing event? Maybe if I hadn't done that, I'd be running for office every year. But for what purpose? Just to stay busy, I guess, even though I don't have much new to say. Maybe that's the same situation as Bill Redpath; what new stuff does he really have to say? I think he just doesn't have anything better to do, at this point. It's probably why I haven't heard of him running lately.
I was just thinking, one advantage of my turning over a new leaf is that the people who signed the petition will get what they expected (i.e. a straight-up "thin," as opposed to "thick," libertarian, without any antifeminist undertones or overtones or whatever in his campaign), which is more than I can necessarily say regarding the people who signed my petition in 2008 when my pitch was something like, "Please sign my petition for more trains, less traffic. We're trying to get our candidates on the ballot so we can build rail all around the Beltway." But hey, I wasn't really opposed to rail; I just wanted it to be privately funded, if we were going to have it. And at any rate, the Indy Greens weren't able to deliver, when it came to building that rail, anyway.
So I was thinking, when I said "the stroke of midnight" on the 8th, that could be interpreted to mean 12am on the 9th. So I'll do it that way. That's six days from now.
I'm not gonna reach out to media establishments with my announcement. There's no need. If they notice it, they notice it; if not, then not. Time to pursue the job hunt. Wikipedia is more interesting, but I'm kinda cockblocked there anyway.
Politics is so much more interesting than job hunting or doing accounting on a day-to-day basis, but I guess I'll go broke if I don't go back to work. Just reading once again, This Is Your Life. So relatable, except that I don't even have the ungrateful snotty kids. Hmm.
Yeah, politics is cool, in a way, but it's so slow-moving, and I'm constantly wanting to exit it. Wikipedia editing is just a compulsive game where you try to turn all the red links blue and keep them blue. It shouldn't be taken too seriously.
So much of life is this way: you put a lot of thought into something, and then your dream dies not with a bang, but a whimper.
But y'know, it's okay. Once I shift gears, I'm fine. The key is, I gotta find something to shift my focus to, not just from. So, this information from Quora is not necessary good news:
Yes, Google search results depend on the user. In September 2007, Google rolled out changes to personalize search results for signed-in users based on any web history that is linked to the user's account . A little over two years later, in December 2009, Google extended personalized search to everyone based on up to 180 days worth of search activity associated with an anonymized browser cookie . Signed-in personalization does not have the 180-day restriction.
Both signed-in and signed-out personalization use search queries and result clicks to tweak result rankings. In addition, Google may also use a user's IP address to customize results location-relevant queries. More information about personalized search can be found on the Google Accounts help pages [3, 4]
If customized, a "View customizations" link will appear at the bottom of the Google results page that explains vaguely what was used and that also allows a user to see the non-personalized results for a particular query.
So the campaign is basically over. I need to combine all my essays into a Essay:Primacy of culture manifesto.
It's obvious there are some obsolete resumes floating around out there. I hate when that happens.
So I've defined what I'm not. But what am I? If I have no distractions, then I have no mission. Once I rest on my laurels, I'm done. Hmm.
So Meshelle writes, "YES HAVE MORE KIDS AND HAVE THEIR FATHER "RAPE" THEM! THATS THE PURPOSE RIGHT???? . . . . WELL BEFORE I CAME HERE YOU HAD PROMISE ME NOT TO DO THAT OR SAY THINGS ABOUT THAT,BUT DID YOU EVER DO WHAT YOU HAD PROMISE? YOU EVEN WORSEN THE SITUATION! YOU SAID THAT ITS FUN MAKING KIDS DRUNK AND HAVE SEX WITH THEM! WHAT A DEVIL!"
I just don't know whether I could really hold to that promise, because when pussy is in front of me, I tend to take it. I really have no idea, till the situation happens. Sometimes I lean on the side of yes; sometimes I lean on the side of no. Doesn't that mean there will come points, during those 18 or however many years, where I lean on the side of yes? (shrugs) I dunno.
So it's all about 8 June, 11 June, 1 September, 5 September, 6 October, and 10 October. 2018 FIFA World Cup qualification – CONCACAF Fifth Round. And the primary is 13 June.
So I guess I'm all alone again. Figures. Everyone seems to eventually get peeved and go away. So I just gotta kill the next 12 hours, I guess, and then I can make my irrevocable decision.
The thing about my wife is that she only partly puts out. If she's not going to do everything I want, then she's not really completely giving herself to me. I expect ass-licking, switching several times in the same session between having vaginal sex and receiving fellatio, etc. Also, she didn't have my kids.
So really, I've only had one, maybe two, girls who really put out for me, I guess.
And how do I screen to make sure I'm getting a good woman? I dunno. After what I've been through, I almost don't want to risk it. I thought Filipinas were supposed to be sexually satisfying? What happened?
It's a question I wonder about: how do you find a girl who will do whatever you want? Or, how do you induce her to do that? Or how do you tell if a girl is really that way, without relying on promises that might not be reliable?
It's a factor in my going black pill. I'm about to go black pill about elections, too, because it seems that I can't really say what I want, or what I believe. If a woman won't be my slave, I'm not sure I want her.
Oh well, if I get out of the game, there's still polygyny to occupy the remainder of the girls.
I'm really wishing I'd married Toochie instead of Meshelle.. I'm always gonna wonder what would've happened if I'd done that..
Of course, there are probably even better girls out there. I just always had a soft spot for her. And she didn't Facebook much, that I saw. And she had beautiful eyes.
Makes me mad at myself, but I remember my thought process when I chose Meshelle. I thought, "What if I make a play for Toochie but fall short? Then maybe I lose Meshelle."
Man, I sure was blue pill back then.
Also, I was bluepilled into thinking that it was cheating if I tried to talk to other girls and assess what other options I might have.
Well, she promised too much at the beginning, and therefore from that point, she had nowhere to go but down, because the expectations had been set so high.
But she had to promise a lot in order to compete with those girls who had more going for them, and less baggage.
Problem was, I took everything at face value.
Also, she acted like she could accept all my flaws (and everything that one might regard as a flaw).
I probably promised too much too, I guess, especially toward the end. In reality, though, there's some stuff that's just hard to accept. Like if she couldn't have kids, that would be upsetting. But I said I would accept it if needed. Problem was, she didn't even try her best to have kids.
If I had brought her younger sister over and instead of her, I probably could've impregnated her by now. She probably would've been more cooperative, too.
I just think when you're a girl's first love(r), you have an advantage because she develops her template of what she likes based on you. If she's an alpha widow, then you're always going to be compared to that guy, and expected to be like him.
So I probably chose poorly in that respect, but on the other hand, I know a guy who married a virginal Filipina who's now planning to divorce her, for some reason that I forget. They got married in the Philippines (which is nice from a sentimental/romantic point of view, but not all that practical) and then had a long distance relationship after he went back to the U.S., as they awaited her visa.
I should talk to that guy sometime, but I only know him from Facebook and I'm not on there anymore or friends with anyone on there anymore. I talked on the phone with him once but didn't get his number (and it probably wasn't on my phone).
She just wrote to me, "There no better than me Nathan..Nobody!"
That's so arrogant. She's not the one who decides who's best. I'm the one who makes that judgment, as least as it pertains to who's the best for me, or who has pleased me the best.
Thus far, I haven't had a fully satisfactory girlfriend or wife, but then again, I haven't been the greatest husband either, on the money side, which is pretty much where I need to excel to keep a relationship together.
Yeah, I just have to figure out what kind of business to start.
Well, with regard to blame, I'd have to blame culture too.
I'm still always going to wonder about Toochie, although just for peace of mind, I should probably actually write up a list of possible warning signs that she wasn't that great.
Warning sign #1: this blog. http://ebullientxxx9.simplesite.com/
My analysis of the "Acceptance" post: oh, cool, another damaged chick who's telling the world, "I'm so undamaged, but actually I am damaged and want sympathy and to be catered to and nurtured by someone who promises to themselves to treat me differently than those in the past have."
My analysis of "Be careful of who you bully": oh, cool, another post about how you're going to transcend poverty and show everyone that your family isn't pathetic. Guess what, honeycakes, nobody gives a shit about your family's allegedly being "poor." You guys weren't even all that poor, anyway. You had electricity, running water, mobile phones, and other first-world amenities, and all three children in the family have gone to college. If you got teased by kids at school, guess what, EVERYONE got teased over something.
My analysis of "The truth about Halloween": oh geez, more of this shit? You know you would celebrate all these pagan holidays if you lived in the U.S., away from your parents.
Oh yeah, and then this thing? http://ebullientxxx9.simplesite.com/432058567 Geez, Toochie, you like to brag. I can tell what you went through was totally not #WorthIT.
However, she's cuter about that stuff than Meshelle was. There's more of an air of innocence about it.
I'm not sure, but maybe this blog was created as a school project.
Funny thing is, she's got this GitHub page so nerds may think, "OMG, she has a GitHub account; that means she's a nerdgirl! I'm in love! Oh wait, all she ever contributed was this one file. https://github.com/ruchiebelle/hello-world/blob/master/README.md "
Oh yeah, another warning sign: she cut her hair shorter.
I think that if I had married Toochie, maybe I wouldn't have run for office this year.
The reason is, even though I always wanted to run for the state legislature, I don't normally just run for an office to collect a flag, so to speak. I have to have a specific goal in mind, usually.
And in this case, I was motivated by a desire to share the red pill. I felt that I had let myself get ripped off because my blue pill beliefs had led me to marry the aging alpha widow Meshelle, when I could've married a (virginal?) teenager like Toochie.
My running for office, though, pretty much destroyed my career, because it publicized the fact that I'd been convicted of threatening the President. Once my career was destroyed, the marriage fell apart.
However, suppose I had married Toochie, and been happy with her. Then maybe I wouldn't have run for office, and I'd still be doing accounting, and our marriage would've stayed together.
The thing about Meshelle was, she said all this stuff about how she was capable of doing everything herself (being a breadwinner, etc.) so it created all these unreasonable expectations. I don't think it would've been like that with Toochie.
So, poor decision on my part. But my blue pill conditioning also changed the way I looked at what the rules of engagement were during the courtship.
Oh yeah, another warning sign about Toochie, though, is that she's not very child-oriented. She doesn't like when babies cry. She'll just move them somewhere and leave them there to cry on their own where they can't bother her.
Oh.. I used to get into video games. They haven't held my interest lately. I was playing this one for awhile: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conflict_(video_game)
I feel like getting high but lack sources. I used to get drunk and play that game, but found that my buzz would start wearing off halfway through. The computer will do stuff like repeatedly attack your factories with a fighter jet, so that it'll be a fight of 23mm cannon rounds vs. RPGs, which ends up being inconclusive. It gets tedious after awhile.
I don't really have any friends that I hang out with anymore. A friend of mine from Charlottesville (a couple hours away, actually 70 miles) came into town for Easter but we didn't hang out because by now, he and his brother have four kids between the two of them and they have to spend their time watching over the kids and organizing their activities, I guess. Plus I was feeling pretty sick with the cold.
At this point, if I'm going to play video games, I'd rather have someone to play with, rather than just playing against the computer, but whom am I going to hang out with? Matt's gone, I don't have any kids, I can't hang out with any other kids (cuz in our modern society, we've decided the kids need to be kept segregated from adults who aren't family members or schoolteachers), and everyone else is working and/or raising their own families.
So, that leaves me by myself, basically living the same kind of life my dad is living, or my grandmother or my uncle Frank used to live before they died. Which is to say, they just hung around the house eating out of boredom (in the case of my grandmother), and/or working on small, inconsequential projects (in the case of my uncle Frank), etc. My dad and my grandmother also used to watch TV (although not together, because they didn't like the same programs).
Meshelle tells me, "You destroyed my life so much. You already destroyed your life eversince. I have a good peaceful life before you came."
As usual, I'm the designated bad guy, or fall guy, for everything. I feel like J.R. Ewing sometimes, or Emmanuel Goldstein. I'm just this villain who serves to be the one everyone blames their problems on, including the personal problems that have their roots in the systemic and cultural problems of society.
What's funny is, people will point to a person or organization or movement that has little or no power, and blame them for their problems. For example, if the economy crashes, people will say, "It's because of those libertarians."
I think the reason is that it's convenient to blame the powerless, because their lack of power prevents them from retaliating against anyone who shifts blame to them. If you blame the powerful, they'll smack you down as retribution for your insolence. So it's best to find a scapegoat, i.e. a weak animal that can easily be cast out into the wilderness.
It's just a pacifying ritual, like kissing a boo-boo. The weak are considered disposable anyway, so using them as scapegoats is considered harmless.
In Meshelle's case, she wasted her late teens and early 20s banging guys who wouldn't marry her, and then came to the U.S. expecting basically to sell nearly-expired milk at a markup rather than at a discount. That didn't work out too well for her, and apparently that's my fault.
Yeah, I used to play Yahoo Chess a lot. Then I got bored with it. For some reason, last time I tried to play my brother-in-law on Chess.com, I ran into problems with it.
I don't know that there were particularly malicious misrepresentations, really, but I think sometimes when there's a possibility that you won't have to fulfill a promise, it's really tempting to make it. Especially if you're under duress to make the promise.
For example, if she said, "Will you still want to be with me if I can't have kids," it's easy for me to say, "Sure, honey" if I don't think the situation will actually arise.
Or if I say, "Are you going to be the breadwinner if I can't do it," it's easy for her to say, "Sure, honey" if she doesn't think the situation will arise.
Actually, both situations arose, though. The problem is, just by making the promise, you make it more likely that the situation will arise, by giving the person a safety net that they can then be careless about falling into. So for instance, she let herself get fat (which is correlated with diminished fertility, especially for those with PCOS), and I pretty much trashed my career.
Blaming can be sorta "productive" to the extent that you're able to actually convince the other person that they're to blame, and thereby get them to change, or if you're able to convince everyone else that you're a victim, and get them to help you.
I got fucked over pretty badly, both internally and externally, by August's blame-shifting, and by this point am pretty much innoculated against it. That shit doesn't faze me. Nor does this stuff of, "I'm the greatest woman ever and would've loved you forever, but you ruined it." That's just a way of making me second-guess myself. Anyone can make a statement of conditional love and say, "You didn't meet the conditions, so you forfeit the love!" That's commonplace. There's nothing special about that.
The reality is, talk is cheap, and pretty much anyone can behave well for a short period in order to make a good impression. That's why the one-year probationary period (although you may have put it in a more romantic way) you mentioned makes sense, in a way.
Except that those who pay attention to warning signs don't necessarily need to put in a place a probationary period. It's just that it's a more foolproof method of testing. But even that isn't perfect.
With August, I used proof by induction to conclude she was a better person for me than she was. I figured, "Well, she drove 1,651 miles to be with me, and she married me and let me impregnate her. So that means, if I hadn't messed things up, she would've done a lot of other stuff for me, too." Not necessarily!
Carl Sagan used to say that we all need to have a Baloney Detection Kit since the government is always trying to lie to us. That kit is needed with relationships, too, because people will try to mindfuck you.
Oh, the expired milk thing -- well, standards differ from one relationship to the next. Some women like prettyboys, other women like scruffy, muscular guys. Some men want a woman who can have kids, others don't care about it. It's all just a matter of preference.
But if you want your relationship to last, you have to try to meet the other person's preferences somewhat. Unless they're just so committed that they'll be willing to say, "Fuck it, I guess I don't get what I wanted, but I'll stay anyway."
It's not just about age, it's also about experience..
This is part of the reason why "slut-shaming" exists. Although it could probably apply equally to men.
I think one's first love tends to establish a template by which future lovers/companions/etc. are judged.
So for example, Meshelle wanted me to fuck her the way that Glenn (her ex) used to fuck her. I.e., she wanted it doggy style, and she didn't want to give a lot of blowjobs.
I wanted to fuck her the way that Elizabeth, my ex, let me fuck her. I.e., missionary style, and with lots of blowjobs.
We ended up compromising on missionary style without a lot of blowjobs, but I think we both felt cheated to not get everything we wanted.
Bottom line is, we should've stayed with our first loves.
Anyway, she used to throw up in my face, "Glenn didn't ask me to do this" and I'd say, "Liz used to let me do this." So she would say, "Go back to Liz then" and I'd say, "Go back to Glenn, then."
The one cool thing about shaving your head is that when you get out of the shower, your head doesn't stay wet for a long time.
I stubbed the hell out of my little toe yesterday and half of it has turned purple. I don't have a car anymore, so I was gonna walk to the store, but I couldn't even take ten steps without it hurting.
What sucks is, we're also all out of fruit, so I was drinking some Sprite, but of course it lacks any nutritional value, so already I feel malnourished.
Guess it's just you, buddy! Everyone else has gone away. I have no friends left.
As I mentioned elsewhere, I'm resuming work on Inclupedia because womankind needs my penis.
So I took a look at my code. Last commit was 16 November 2014. I don't see a whole lot in my log from around that time, but that doesn't mean I didn't return to it later.
So I was just thinking about gerrit:155093. Not sure it's strictly needed. What was the point of it anyway? Just to differentiate local revisions from remote revisions? Oh, so that we could have an integrated watchlist and filter stuff? Hmm.
I guess I can go ahead and apply the patch, just for shits and giggles. Although when MediaWiki 1.29 comes out, that work will have to be redone, I guess.
Some thoughts that come to mind.
I guess I haven't made life all that easy for Meshelle. But, I guess there was some stuff she shouldn't have promised either. But in the end, who promised whom what? And who broke their promise first? Or was it just an accident that it went down the way it did; an imprudent risk? But what about the bigger picture of society? Well, anyway, she was still the one who left.
The only good news is that her disloyalty means that I have an excuse to be disloyal too. She didn't cook all that well anyway, and the sex wasn't (always?) that great. So what's left?
I guess I see how women's thinking is, though. Their obedience is predicated on your having done something for them lately. And why shouldn't they leave, if virginity doesn't matter to other men?
It's funny how some men really want to be a father and pass on their knowledge to their son. It seems like it would be easy to fuck it up.
5:35am. I guess I'm at about a 2.5, because while I suppose I can code, I don't feel all that happy. In fact, I kinda feel like shit. Outside of my work, I basically have nothing. My life is empty. But that's sorta by design. I guess this is monk mode or something.
Some coding-related thoughts. First order of business is to set up Phabricator. I can't really use any of Wikimedia's infrastructure at this point. Hmm.
It would be nice if I could use Infogalactic's infrastructure, but I guess that's not in the cards.
I guess I should set up MediaInclu.com. (Haven't we heard this before?) It will use MediaWiki.org's templates. I guess it can also be a testbed for MediaInclu software itself, kinda like MediaWiki.org is.
MirrorMove needs to be broken up into separate functions, I guess, rather than being one big god function. It can be rewritten from scratch if needed.
What about testing? How will that work? I guess it can be like everything else: phabricator tasks, sub-tasks, etc. We'll start with the simplest and go from there. We can create testing frameworks and then abandon them if they suck. I don't give a shit.
Just gotta keep our eye on the ball. Minimum viable product, baby.
Pondering further, is MediaInclu.com gonna be its own separate thing? Why not. We're not gonna do the .org's this time, by the way.
So like I say, this is gonna suck. At this point, it's a test of whether one man can accomplish all this. If I can, then it provides an inspiring example for the next man who has a similar project. Although isn't it kinda like suicide? The March 2017 fast didn't work too well either. How many times must we do this over and over..
But hey, that never stopped us from doing more fasts.
Looking back at the whole "Protect Piper" thing, I can see how it was designed to put pressure on me, but it pretty much failed.
Just thinking of that faggot-ass Abd, and how every time I tried to motivate him, he went back to the "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy". Man, fuck you Abd, working alongside someone in that manner isn't really "work". That's fun. As Hai would've said, he was "undisciplined".
I guess I was taken off of VPAP because they figured, "Serious candidates only; no sideshows."
So I guess I'm gonna say "fuck you" to the Chiptronica Carnival for the moment. It just brings back sad memories, really.
Why is it always when I start working on Inclupedia that I feel really lonely? What's the difference?
Well, at least I still have my mom here.
8:41am. Spent a little bit of time fucking around reading about Carrie Fisher, Denzel Washington, etc. and my morale improved, so I'm now at 2.0, basically. Maybe I should reinstitute my old system.
Had some lima beans too. Researched Phabricator. I'm really surprised nobody has connected the dots and uncovered my latest Wikipedia sock. Must be because I'm not pushing the envelope as much as I used to, plus I'm simply not editing as much as I used to. Not sure how much that's gonna change come October. Amazing how much has changed since then.
And this trip is scheduled for November? That's really not all that long from now.
[email protected]:~/phabricator.inclumedia.com/phabricator$ ./bin/storage databases incluphabricator_audit incluphabricator_calendar incluphabricator_chatlog incluphabricator_conduit incluphabricator_countdown incluphabricator_daemon incluphabricator_differential incluphabricator_draft incluphabricator_drydock incluphabricator_feed incluphabricator_file incluphabricator_flag incluphabricator_harbormaster incluphabricator_herald incluphabricator_maniphest incluphabricator_meta_data incluphabricator_metamta incluphabricator_oauth_server incluphabricator_owners incluphabricator_pastebin incluphabricator_phame incluphabricator_phriction incluphabricator_project incluphabricator_repository incluphabricator_search incluphabricator_slowvote incluphabricator_user incluphabricator_worker incluphabricator_xhpast incluphabricator_cache incluphabricator_fact incluphabricator_ponder incluphabricator_xhprof incluphabricator_pholio incluphabricator_conpherence incluphabricator_config incluphabricator_token incluphabricator_releeph incluphabricator_phlux incluphabricator_phortune incluphabricator_phrequent incluphabricator_diviner incluphabricator_auth incluphabricator_doorkeeper incluphabricator_legalpad incluphabricator_policy incluphabricator_nuance incluphabricator_passphrase incluphabricator_phragment incluphabricator_dashboard incluphabricator_system incluphabricator_fund incluphabricator_almanac incluphabricator_multimeter incluphabricator_spaces incluphabricator_phurl incluphabricator_badges incluphabricator_packages incluphabricator_application
Well anyway, the discussion over at Infogalactic seems to be going well. https://phabricator.infogalactic.io/diffusion/24/
Listening to Old Skool, and then now Forward Thinking, a staple of Chiptronica Carnival, even though it's a little weird. Some dramatic prog-style music is always good for coding, even though I'm just cloning a repository.
I really want to comment on some stuff at Wikipedia:Ethically researching Wikipedia, but I just have to bite my tongue because that wouldn't go anywhere good. They just take themselves so seriously with stuff like "Wikipedia is no exception" and "I will recognize that as an ethnographer, I am a guest of the Wikipedian community and the Wikimedia Foundation." (rolls eyes) But I will say nothing.
Relevant Twitter link: https://twitter.com/ussoccer
Sometimes I feel called; other times, I don't. One thing's for sure: RPED is a goal that I've consistently had trouble motivating myself to work on. But I'm also tired today.
So what's left? Well, anyway, I have a site in deployment, which is something. I can keep trying to perfect it.
Man, this work is getting into some boring shit.
Amazon still didn't ship my product. They disappoint famiry.
so in attempting to speed up my bot, I have to investigate three possible approaches. (1) run multiple instances of the bot, each focusing on a different set of pages. So for example, instance 1 handles pages with IDs ending in 1 and 2; instance 2 handles pages with IDs ending in 3 and 4; etc. The possible problem here is that maybe the bottleneck is on the server side. (2) modify the bot to import rather than edit. I have to modify the importation module to handle timestamps, though. The possible problem there is that there could be more than one edit with the same timestamp, but that should be pretty rare, unless people are making more than one edit to the same page per second. Another possible problem is that it still might not boost performance enough. I suspect, based on what I've seen with my other bots, that it won't. (3) create my own method of making changes to the wiki, that does the bare minimum of changing the page, revision, and text tables.
I guess what I'll do, is try (1), then (2), then a combination of (1) and (2), then (3), then a combination of (1) and (3).
man oh man, I sure do hate coding when I'm having to test out hypotheses that may end up going nowhere
but whatevs, maybe it'll unexpectedly be useful later